time and again

I was listening to a gazal, "Woh kagaz ki kashti". An excellent gazal, and i heard the line

"Na Duniya Ka Gham Tha Na Rishton Ke Bandhan
Badi Khoobsoorat Thi Wo Zindgaani"


and that made me think (I won't say realize, as i believe you really don't know when you realize), Where I stand. Where I was, where I will be. To elaborate, I am probably in a situation where I am understanding relationships. Their value. How its hard to keep ties. Life's been great to me so far, but why does it have to make me choose? Why do I need to be in a position where I will hurt someone or another? Why can't we all just get along? Being in a position to make a decision is bad, well probably not as bad as not having right to make decisions. And then I think, how great it was to be young, small, little!! Had no worries, didn't need to worry about keeping everyone happy. And thats exactly what the song fits in.

I've always loved gazals, and felt them. Felt them, to my experiences. And after hearing a gazal for years, suddenly, someday, I see the beauty in them that I missed out every time I heard it. Like the line I quoted above. Didn't mean much to me. Well, I liked it. Nothing too exceptional, until while driving home from our Christmas party it struck me. Beautiful! And that led me to write.

Its funny, how I feel grown up. Grown up. Those words resonate. And make me think, how this is absolute nothing compared to what others face. What I am going to be facing some day. I am doing what I think is the right thing for me to do now. Prepare for that time when I will be in a crises. Lucky, as I consider myself (lucky enough to hope for a Jack of Hearts on the last card in poker and get it :).. yes DAMN I rock.. Okay, tad bit of my self there) to have not been in any situation that I consider taxing my emotions. I believe I have lived a very sheltered life. Sheltered by luck. I believe I will some day be in a situation where I will breakdown. What does one do to prepare oneself? I was, and am again (with a short break in between), a risk taker with a plan for worst case. So whats the worst case that life's going to throw at me? And how will I take it? How do I prepare myself for that? Practically, I think there is no point worrying about it till its there. And then deal with it whole heartedly.


I don't know what am I. I've always thought I know myself. Been confident and believed myself. Trusted myself over anyone else, and had complete faith in my decisions. But.. now I begin to "realize". I am not bigger than life. I understand what they would mean when they would say that.

Ego. I, apparently have a huge ego. But where is the line between Ego and Confidence? I dont mean confidence in oneself. Confidence to show, is what i mean. A little of show is needed to get anywhere. Sales is the key. And confidence is the first and foremost aspect of that. But how do I curb the ego leave the confidence intact?

Guess, on the whole, this post doesn't really appear to make much sense. But an trained mind will tell you that this really doest. :) Well, things that have been on my mind are out there. If any one can answer the questions that I didn't ask, I'd like to hear it. Although, comming back to my ego. I really don't think that there are many people out their that are better than me. So that would mean, I don't think many people can guide me. That lead me to ever really go to many classes in high school, lectures in university, T.A's at university.

Now atleast I am willing to accept that there is intelligence out that thats higher than mine. And I think thats a good start.

Dil-e-nadaan tujhe hua kya hai

Just a song I like. I love ghazals. To the extent I have may be 2-3 CD's I've bought with multiple songs repeated. Just so that I can have all the ones I like in the best quality in one place! Bad Excuse? Love knows no reason. Sorry.